I don't really know what to say. To be honest, I really never thought that I would resort to blogging to complain about all of my problems or just talk about things that are on my mind. I wish that it didn't have to be this way but I have a feeling that my friends are tired of listening to me, and my best friends will read this anyway. I have always been the friend that people go to for help understanding their problems. While it is easy for me to put myself in their shoes, it is hard for me to figure my own shit out for myself. I need a place where I can sort everything out. I appologize if you get offended by anything that I say but let's face it, this is about me. Reading my blogs will probably be a big waste of time but it is what it is and it is all that I will offer you.
I haven't been good lately. I have always been the one to smile and pretend like nothing is wrong, but the people who truly know me can see through that and the smile is getting to be too hard to force. One of my best friends broke my heart. Completely shattered it, in fact. And while he was there to help me pick up the pieces, there is a huge gaping hole where it used to sit and be so full. It continues to hurt every fucking day that he is uncertain about how he feels about me. I know that it is my fault, despite what he says. I wasn't supposed to get attached. We were just supposed to be having fun and I fucked it up by opening my heart up to him. I have to believe that it is my fault or I can't even begin to understand why everything is happening the way that it is happening. I know that he cares about me. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be so afraid of hurting me again. What he doesn't realize is that he is hurting me more by preventing us from being happy. I know what the risk is. I know that the chances of me getting hurt again are pretty high, but I don't fucking care. I would love nothing more than for him to just hold me. Just wrap his arms around me and hold me. He is going to have to catch me first. Hopefully when he finally reaches out, I haven't already hit the ground. Pavement is hard and I am small. Nothing good will come from that. He needs to figure his shit out soon. I know that what is going on in his head is bigger than what he thinks he is but he can't see in himself what I see in him.
I know that my friends are always here for me. They always have been. I know that I probably rely on others too much, but that's what good friends are for. I honestly have the best friends that I could ask for. I know that they are equally worried about me as he is. I'm not eating or sleeping. My family has no clue what I have gone through.
I am all alone at school. I want to be able to see my friends everyday but it is impossible since we are hours apart. I hate that there are some friends who I haven't been able to see since I moved here 2 months ago. I feel so lonely. I have made some really good friends here but it isn't and never will be the same. I had a good life. I left a good life. Why didn't I stay with my friends? Why did I have to choose to come here? Is loving a school more important in the long run than dealing with missing friends? It shouldn't be this hard. Life shouldn't be this hard. I had the best summer that I will probably ever have last summer. I want to go back to when I wasn't cold and alone. When I was surrounded by people who genuinly love me and care about what I have to say.
Life as I know it could be better. Hopefully it will get back to that.
And so, I leave you with this. "Only true friends will actually take the shirt off of your back," and I am fucking freezing.
1 comment:
Here is my shirt. I love you. The school is important. Know that. I know that now that I don't like the school that I am at. We are best friends that means no matter the distance or surcomstance. If you feel the ground is getting too close call. I am a ture friend, this means I won't let you hit the ground. I will but one of those huge stunt mats below you (i.e. I will come to you with fine chocolates, wine, a box of tissue, and a few hundred chick flicks). Let me know, you are more important to me than a few lectures.
Post a Comment