I do believe in ferries... I do... I do...

Hello,

Let’s go back, shall we? Take a walk with me down memory lane, back to a time when we could see our friends every day at school, back in the day when internet didn’t play the leading role (if any role) in our lives, back when friends would exchange their food for your food because our moms never understood that I liked strawberry and you liked grape. Back when I told everyone exactly how it was and fearlessly put everyone in their place. I want to go back to being 8. Life was easy and full of magic and wonder. I want that insane streak of playfulness and sense of innocence back.

Unfortunately, living in the past won’t get us anywhere. While life would be easier if we could always have someone to drive us to soccer practice and play-dates, but we can’t rely on anyone forever. We all must grow up eventually. Well, everyone besides Peter Pan.

Peter had an amazing life, don’t get me wrong. He was able to fly off to another world where he could dance with pixies, swim with mermaids, and swashbuckle with pirates. I wish that we could all have a life like that, not a care in the world. However, Peter wasn’t able to love. For falling in love is a very grown up thing to do and he vowed that he would never grow up. I think that is an awfully big price to pay. I do wish however, that I still had Peter’s need for adventure.

The chances of me flying off to Neverever Land are very slim. I have seen too much. The world has gone to shit and I can’t be the only one trying to keep the wonder alive. When we were 8, we weren’t expected to know everything but now the curiosity we once had, has been replaced with logic and reason and that is simply not okay. We can no longer see our friends every day at school because we have all gone off to make something of ourselves; our roads were all headed in different directions. We are on the internet all day, every day. It is our main form of communication between friends, professors, parents… I can’t trade my grape for your strawberry because I didn’t feel like going to the store just to get some damn jelly, not to mention the bread will be stale by the time that I find a stamp and mail it to you. I will still put my friends in their place when they have done something wrong but I’m not as fearless as I once was.

“I can’t see the stars anymore living here, let’s go to the hills where the outlines are clear. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long.”

If I can’t see the stars anymore, then how will I ever have a chance of finding my way back to paradise with the pirates and mermaids? So bring on the wonder. I want it back, even if I can’t go back. I will bring the wonder, magic, and whatever innocent playfulness that I have left with me. I refuse to let “growing up” change who I am.

To live, would be an awfully big adventure.

Just another fairy tale...

Two words... Swan Princess...

Prince Derek and Princess Odette grew up together. They fell in love like Princes and Princesses are supposed to do. However, when Odette asked Derek what he loved about her more than her beauty he replies "What else is there?". This statement doesn't shock me at all. People put so much into appearence and physical beauty that they lose the importance of connecting on a different level, even if that connection is there all along. Now, hopefully it doesn't take every woman getting turned into a swan for men to realize that the emotional connection was always there, but it does sometimes seem like a constant struggle between two worlds... There needs to be a happy medium. You can't choose between the swan and the princess. It is a package deal.

I feel like every aspect of my life is in that grey area. I think that it feels like that for everyone my age. I don't know what I am doing or if I am doing it right. I would like to think that everything that I am doing will build towards my future, but I doubt that is realistic. I know that a lot of the things right now wont matter later in life, and I know that some of the things that I currently take foregranted will turn out to be the most important things in my life. They will be my world. I just wish that I could have a little help sorting it all out. I wish that I had a little more say in my future than I currently have but I believe in fate, chance, love, and just enough free will to turn Lord Rothbart down night after night waiting for my Prince Derek to come to his senses and figure out the clues to come and rescue me.

For longer than forever I will hold you in my heart as if we are together though we're far apart.

Life as I know it...

I don't really know what to say. To be honest, I really never thought that I would resort to blogging to complain about all of my problems or just talk about things that are on my mind. I wish that it didn't have to be this way but I have a feeling that my friends are tired of listening to me, and my best friends will read this anyway. I have always been the friend that people go to for help understanding their problems. While it is easy for me to put myself in their shoes, it is hard for me to figure my own shit out for myself. I need a place where I can sort everything out. I appologize if you get offended by anything that I say but let's face it, this is about me. Reading my blogs will probably be a big waste of time but it is what it is and it is all that I will offer you.

I haven't been good lately. I have always been the one to smile and pretend like nothing is wrong, but the people who truly know me can see through that and the smile is getting to be too hard to force. One of my best friends broke my heart. Completely shattered it, in fact. And while he was there to help me pick up the pieces, there is a huge gaping hole where it used to sit and be so full. It continues to hurt every fucking day that he is uncertain about how he feels about me. I know that it is my fault, despite what he says. I wasn't supposed to get attached. We were just supposed to be having fun and I fucked it up by opening my heart up to him. I have to believe that it is my fault or I can't even begin to understand why everything is happening the way that it is happening. I know that he cares about me. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be so afraid of hurting me again. What he doesn't realize is that he is hurting me more by preventing us from being happy. I know what the risk is. I know that the chances of me getting hurt again are pretty high, but I don't fucking care. I would love nothing more than for him to just hold me. Just wrap his arms around me and hold me. He is going to have to catch me first. Hopefully when he finally reaches out, I haven't already hit the ground. Pavement is hard and I am small. Nothing good will come from that. He needs to figure his shit out soon. I know that what is going on in his head is bigger than what he thinks he is but he can't see in himself what I see in him.

I know that my friends are always here for me. They always have been. I know that I probably rely on others too much, but that's what good friends are for. I honestly have the best friends that I could ask for. I know that they are equally worried about me as he is. I'm not eating or sleeping. My family has no clue what I have gone through.

I am all alone at school. I want to be able to see my friends everyday but it is impossible since we are hours apart. I hate that there are some friends who I haven't been able to see since I moved here 2 months ago. I feel so lonely. I have made some really good friends here but it isn't and never will be the same. I had a good life. I left a good life. Why didn't I stay with my friends? Why did I have to choose to come here? Is loving a school more important in the long run than dealing with missing friends? It shouldn't be this hard. Life shouldn't be this hard. I had the best summer that I will probably ever have last summer. I want to go back to when I wasn't cold and alone. When I was surrounded by people who genuinly love me and care about what I have to say.

Life as I know it could be better. Hopefully it will get back to that.

And so, I leave you with this. "Only true friends will actually take the shirt off of your back," and I am fucking freezing.